Sunday, October 3, 2010

Beef: It's what should be for dinner... But only if you order it right.

As you all should be aware of by now, I am huge meatatarian. I’ve never met a creature that I wouldn’t eat or wear and it perplexes me why people would want to waste their life as a vegan or vegetarian when there are so many fabulous things to eat out there… I mean vegetarians/vegans- How is that rabbit food you’re noshing on anyway??? Do you want to come eat some real food? I can share, really I can. You’re hair might be a tad bit shinier if you got some iron from red meat you know…. I’m just saying. Anyway, the one thing that vexes me more than people that don’t eat meat, are the people that eat meat incorrectly. WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU ORDER STEAK MEDIUM WELL/WELL DONE? In my book, it defeats the whole purpose and you’ve now just wasted a perfectly good cut of beef.

You may be wondering why I am bringing this up on a Sunday of all days, but it happens to be that little old moi received some slack on my Facebook page for photos that this fabulous magazine took of my benefit dinner. There was a dish that I cooked consisting of blackened rib-eyes which were cooked to perfection, (perfection being RARE and MEDIUM RARE), and then topped off with a roasted bone marrow and rosemary butter, (thank you foodies, thank you. I appreciate the applause), and someone who shall remain nameless, decided she didn’t like the rare OR the bone marrow because it was “scary”. Well honey, I have news for you… You’re not a food person, you’re dismissed. Enjoy Applebee’s because I’m positive they will turn your steak into cardboard for you and they’ve never even heard of bone marrow- You’ll be safe there, I promise. In fact, I think I can get you a table next to the idiot I once broke up with because he guilted me for ordering veal. He’s banished to a life filled with bad chain restaurants too.

Living next door to the Palm Steak House in LA for many years and having learned how to cook a proper piece of beef from my good friend, Chef Camillo, I feel that it’s my duty to spread the knowledge that he was kind enough to bestow on me. It’s like a diplomatic duty or paying it forward or something. Sear your steak on the stove, finish it in the oven and most importantly, LET THE THING REST. You’ll yield an incredibly juicy and fabulous piece of meat that way. Trust me ladies, if you can learn to cook a good steak and a crème brulee, you’re Mancandy will never leave you. It’s a fact. Hell, I would never leave anyone, hence my loyalty to the Palm!

In all seriousness though, this whole Facebook incident really got me thinking, and yours truly has come to the conclusion that we should really institute a form of segregation: Food people on one side, non-food people on the other. Then we would know who not to waste our time or beef on. I truly believe that how one views food, translates into different aspects of a person’s make up: Adventurous or unadventurous; sensual or boring; passionate or unimpassioned. Because at the end of the day we’re all looking for someone for which we have things in common. Just like NATO, the point of the union is to keep the peace and fight for a greater good- And how can a couple do that if one is being guilted for ordering a little osso bucco from time to time? Gentlemen, if you’re ordering your steaks well done then you need not apply, because at that point you may as well be drinking white wine. And you know what I say to that: Men that drink white wine as a preference- Forget about it. Can’t handle a good, bold, spicy glass of red, can’t handle a real woman.

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